Life is..

Falling for someone who will never love you back, who is confused by what they want, who jumps from girl to girl afraid to get attached then, after recovering from that fall... make the same mistake...again. Getting backstabbed by friends, then realizing that i too have backstabbed..the frustration of trying to have self appriciation for myslef. over acheiving just to please my families requirements. moments of inspiration when i want to change my life around, then slump back into my old rituals. laughing so hard for no apparent reason..wondering how everything is possible. Music. Dreams, hopes, Beliefs, Passions.thinking about how small i am in this universe. having amazing conversation with people, connecting with people, sharing time with people, having true bonding experiences. waking up, and being in my own little world for a minute or two...where there is absolutely nothing wrong. crying, laughing, smiling, frowning, betraying, hurting, pain, joy, &Fun. making mistakes, learning lessons, losing some, winning some..experiencing things, seeing places, meeting people.Realizing how fake many people are. finding true friendships. experiencing new love. it`s my future..i can either be something, to make it, to break it, to be sucessful, to be a burn out, a druggie, a slut, a millionaire, a homeless person, a teacher, a president, a lowlife, the possibilities are UNLIMITED. and its all up to me, myself, only i have a say. other people cant decide for me, thats the beatuy of it, if i mess up, i have NOBODY to blame, but myself. thinking that the "love" i find at this age is real, and that the guy really, truley cares about your feelings.'Best friends' lasting about a month, then they find somebody new.
Hope. Love. Lies. Tears. Angst. Happiness. More bad than good. && all That.... is just the surface.

Thats life. Its a bitch =]

"&& i would give u my heart, give u the world risk losing everything i`ve got. i`d give it all to you, though i don`t wanna stop i know it`s the right thing to do."

i dont know if im willing to fall for it again. i dont know if im capable of dealing with the end results of a relationship. it`s so complicated. sometimes i think "fck it, give him all you`ve got..u have nothing to lose" but in reality.. i do. it`s not that if we don`t end up together i won`t be able to pick myself back up again, because i will.. i know i will, but it`s just the fact that there goes another one i fck`d up on. i guess it`s just knowing how great something could`ve or would`ve been. sometimes i wonder what would happen if me &abel we`re still together. i know it would`ve been hard bcoz he`s going off to college while im still here.. in highschool, living through all the stupid little highschool drama. what if he was the one? and i was just too ignorant to realize it..in the beginning of our relationship i was the one who put everything i got into it, &at the end..he ended up try`n to save it. but i guess that it takes two people, both having to compromise with trying to fix things. &if one doesn`t then... "it all falls down...

i was look`n through all my notebooks yesterday.. and i found one that had all the stuff that reminded me of abel in it. i guess you can say for a short time i was reminesing about us. i was thinking of throwing all that stuff away, but i realized that from those little letters &pictures...that made me realize all my wrongs. so i decided to keep it. bcoz when i look at mine &eric's relationship...i`m not gonna make those same mistakes again. if anything happens to him i`m always gonna be there. and if we fight..i`m not gonna leave it up to him to fix. this time, im sticking by him no matter what. there was a time though when he felt like i didn`t love him as much as he loved me, and i reassured him that i did. but i think i`m just scared of giving him everything i have.. my heart for the most part. bcoz i was so easily broken with my past relationships...but i know that gett`n into this relationship with eric that he was completely different from abel. eric has this sense of making me feel so relaxed inside, like i don`t have to try to impress him, i just do it without even try`n. everytime i think of him i have this smile on my face, even when he's miles away..or just in front of me. he basically just makes me want to be me when i`m around him..and it`s so comforting knowning that i have someone like him around, someone whos willing to catch me when i fall. `:]

sigh. so much drama. i hate all this. barely been 2 weeks, but i shouldve known that..


it
all
falls
down
..